The Annotated Cosette
by youbetcha
Summary: Have you ever wanted to read Cosette by Francois Ceresa but heard it was atrocious? Well, it really is that bad, but look no further, for here is the official summary! Read, enjoy, be amused.


THE ANNOTATED "COSETTE"  
by Notorious Funnt

Valjean: I'm dead  
Cosette: I'm pretty!  
Marius: I'm going to buy the Rue Plumet because Cosette and I are having relationship problems and I want to be a dandy and part of high society! yay!  
Everyone: WTF?  
Amedee: Yeah high society is cool. Come duel with me. Your wife is hot.  
Marius: Kk...will it get me into society?  
Amedee: You bet. But your wife is a homebody. That's not cool.  
Marius: Umm...yeah guess not.  
Amedee: but she's hot.  
_cue Cosette, at home_ Cosette: sigh Marius is acting so weird! What did I do?  
Mizzies: Nothing. The author just can't write a story to save his life.  
_change of scene_  
THE catman: Yeah see I'm not just catman I'm THE catman. I like poverty. It's funny. I kill cats. kills cats  
Gammy Leg: I run an inn thing. THE catman comes here a lot. My husband is cheating on me with a sexy cross-eyed girl.  
Sexy cross-eyed girl: heyyy husband...come here sweet thang  
Mizzies: Wait...what happened to Marius and Cosette? I don't care about some guy who is killing cats.  
THE catman: I kill rabbits too  
NF: OMGWTF beats THE catman with oboe  
Clemence: Marius you're hot  
Amedee: Marius, you're wife is still hot.  
THE catman: Heyyy cloud pajamas guess what...I'm THENARDIER! _waits for people to gasp  
nothing happens_  
Verjat: Betcha can't guess who I am.  
Mizzies: Yeahhh. Bet we can't guess.  
Cosette: Verjat, you're cool. Frederic, you're cool too.  
Verjat: Yeah I'm too cool 4 u. I have a mysterious past. See, guess what Cosette, I'm not telling you everything but I committed suicide except I didn't because I was rescued from the water and saved just like in all the bad fanfiction!  
Cosette: Hey wow that's neat! Let's walk through the Luxembourg!  
Mizzies: WTF?  
Cosette: Hey maybe Eponine will randomly come back from the dead too and marry my husband.  
Verjat: Hey, you never know. Btw I want redeeming. 'Cause, ya know, this is a bad fanfiction and all.  
Marius: Ohhh Clemence you sexy thang...I especially love it when the author goes into explicit detail about your nakedness.  
Dementor from PoA in 15 minutes: I think I saw a porno like this once.  
Cosette: _sniffle _I miss Marius...so y'know what I'm going to do...Leave cheesy love notes for him!  
Love notes: omgcheesy  
People: carousing again  
_there is rabbit stew there_  
NF: _beats cooks with oboe_  
Frederic: I challenge you to... A DUEL  
Everyone: GASP  
Amedee: OK kills  
Marius: sob sob sob...oh Cosette...I love you!  
Cosette: I love you to...fool  
THE catman: Well slap my butt and call me Sally, I feel like doing something bad again! skins cat  
Gammy Leg: OMGWTF WHORE KILLED MY CAT _kills sexy cross-eyed girl or disfigures her whatever, who cares, this book is crap anyway_  
Perfect Love: OMGWTF you killed her! _kills Gammy Leg_  
Gammy: ooh pretty flowers _dies_  
Amedee: I spend a whole paragraph looking at Cosette's boobs...oooh  
NF: Okay, that kind of thing...boobs and suchlike...that's for bad fanfic on the INTERNET. Why do you think the net was born?  
Marius: I'm going to break off with Clemence! I am! I am! _walks outside_  
Cosette: I'm pregnant! I mean it's about time, someone always gets pregnant in a fanfiction. I haven't told Marius yet. Dunno why. Maybe for...SUSPENSE.  
Barricades: _are being built on the street_  
History: _is repeating itself  
_NF: ...or not so much repeating as the author couldn't think of a decent plot for his story...  
Mizzies: agree  
Marius: I break with thee, Clemence, you cold hearted if very sexy lady!  
Clemence: OH GASP CRY SOB HE TOOK MY CHILD THAT AMEDEE GASP SOB SNIFFLE  
Marius: Like omg...so that means Amedee has...shmuck tendencies?  
Mizzies: Obviously, genius  
Clemence: puts narcotic in the drink check it out...I'll have my REVENGE! This is just like a cheesy soap opera, isn't it, Marius?  
Marius: Let's see...I cheated on my wife with you because you're hot and like to have mad sex with people, but have a sad life because your child you had with this shmuck who seduces everyone was taken away and now you're condemned to live this life, and I buy you stuff, but then I find out I still love my wife and break it with you and you drug me?  
Clemence: Better keep your eyes open, at this rate my evil twin will come and seduce you again.  
Marius: Yeah I'd better. Oh well, carry on gets drugged  
Clemence: Sleep now my boy  
NF: MUAHAHAHAHAHAH...oh come on, you know she was thinking it.  
THE catman's misc. gang people: kill Jesus not (that Jesus, just a guy named Jesus) then switch his clothes with Marius why? why not?  
Marius: is sent to random penal colony because they think HE killed Jesus not THAT Jesus!  
Marius: Ohhh I wail about poverty and poor conditions! I'M INNOCENT DAMMIT!  
Other convicts: You realize how dumb that sounds, right?  
Marius: Yeah. Sorry.  
Guy: Marius, your number is 9430. That was Valjean's number too, dramatic irony and all of that.  
Tour Guide Lady: Now class, we get to the second sign of How To Recognize a Bad Les Mis Fanfic. Marius gets sent to prison and ends up with Valjean's number. Write that down, class, you're getting a quiz on it later.  
Class: _writes that down_  
Julien: heyyy Marius my name is Julien, we're cool  
NF: omg...I'm borrowing an English horn from the school right now...his name is Julien...he's not a very good English horn but he's cooler than this guy 'cause he's not in a bad fanfiction.  
Marius: Kk so I'm a convict...let me do convict shizz and poverty...OMG I MAKE AN ESCAPE! LIKE VALJEAN!  
Tour Guide Lady: That would be #3.  
Marius: _does not escape_  
cue to: Cosette's house  
Cosette: OMG MY MARIUS IS DEAD! YOU CURTAINS DO NOT FEEL SAD FOR HIS DEATH! DAMN YOU CURTAINS! I HATE CURTAINS! YOU COLD UNFEELING...CURTAINS!  
Mizzies: ...  
Amedee: Okay now I feel bad. Cosette's still hot though. 'Cept I feel bad about that too.  
Cosette: I hate the inanimate. They have no feelings.  
Elissa the oboe: that's what YOU think! _Cosette promptly gets oboe bitchslapped_  
Cosette: ...except for oboes  
Elissa and Chandler: 'Kay, that's better.  
Amedee: Dammit I feel bad  
Verjat: I want redemption so I'm going to follow the same path Valjean did.  
Tour Guide: That would be #4, for the record.  
THE catman: I'm totally Thenardier...and I suck  
Mizzies: ya think?  
Tour Guide: Re-emerging characters would be #5.  
Cosette: Amedee, I'm PREGNANT  
Amedee: OMG ANGST! It's not MY Child...it's MARIUS'S!  
Mizzies: duh  
Amedee: ANGST!  
Cosette: I'm gonna name my child Jean if it's a boy and Fantine if it's a girl!  
Tour guide: Behold numbers #6 and 7. Because that's just so bad, it deserves two mentions.  
THE catman's random accomplices, who are actually really pointless so they're names aren't worth mentioning because the Patron Minette was SO much cooler: Heyyy cloud pajamas, let's kill Cosette's child!  
NF: Heyyy look at the time, I gotta get to rehearsal, you guys leave it just where you are and...I'll read it tomorrow...'cause there's only so much cheese I can take in one day. _makes cheese sandwich  
_Horse Face (a misc. gang person): I kill you, Pointer! Very bloodily because the author enjoys really bloody and gruesome descriptions!  
Verjat: My head looked like a fish head in one sentence  
Everyone: Eat them up, yum  
Verjat: I know Marius is innocent yo...'cause I'm an inspector and went all CSI on everyone's ass  
Prisoners: So I bet y'all didn't know this, but sometimes we prisoners hide escape materials up our butts. Because no one finds it there.  
Everyone: Well, that's obvious...  
Marius: _shaves pubic hair to use for a disguise later on  
_Mizzies: Ew...  
Random convict: I put too much stuff up my butt that I died.  
Everyone: ...  
Marius: I was a viction of a miscarriage of justice! Don't laugh!  
Guard: AHAHAHAH...oh sorry  
Marius: oh good, I didn't put any escape materials up my butt today  
Tripod: Yay...oh snap I just got stabbed so I'm gonna die...wait not really...nah, I kid you all dies  
Author: Here's some more blood and guts descriptions for you  
Marius: I kill you, Hungarian, for I am EVIL DEMON MARIUS! AHAHAHA!  
THE Catman: GUESS WHO'S BACK!  
NF: You're getting really, really boring.  
Author: We're all going to call him Thenardier now...kk?  
Mizzies: Um...  
THE catman: I do not share...FOOL  
THE Catman: Hey wait they just called me THE Catman again!  
Verjat: Author can't make up his mind.  
Mizzies: Author can't write either.  
THE Catman: Gotcha.  
Verjat: Awww, the baby looks just like his father, even though I could never understand how a baby can look like a full grown adult, and I've never seen baby Marius either because that would be kind of creepy.  
Verjat: Javert was 56  
Cosette: Um...that was random  
Verjat: I'm giving you really obvious clues to my identity, okay?  
Cosette: Oooh okay...btw you act like a police inspector  
Verjat: No duh  
Tour Guide: This is #9.  
Verjat: Cosette, you smell yummy  
Author: "...the rasperry tips of her breasts"  
NF: Raspberry tips? You have GOT to be kidding me! dies laughing  
Verjat: Ok I'm gonna prove Marius's innocence...heyyy cloud pajamas I'm in Toulon again! Dramatic irony!  
_crickets chirping_  
Well not really but work with me here, okay?  
Lestrad: Heyy Verjat...sup yo  
Verjat: Oh snap Marius escaped  
Lestrade: You remind me of someone  
Mizzies: Inspector Javert?  
Lestrade: Hey yeah, how'd you guess?  
Mizzies: palmface  
Verjat: I uncovered the truth about Louis Desire!  
NF: I don't...really care  
Verjat: No one does.  
Random guy: _steals Cosette's baby_  
Verjat: Oh no you don't...takes baby back  
_book ends_  
Everyone: ...wait what?  
NF: That's the end?  
Author: Yup.  
Marius: But I haven't been reuinted with Cosette OR had my innocence proven!  
Cosette: And I haven't found out that Marius was still alive!  
THE Catman (and crew): And I'm...still here and being bad!  
Verjat: And I didn't get redeemed!  
Amedee: And WTF is happening with me?  
Author: Who cares...that's the end of the book, yo.  
Everyone: Seriously?  
Author: yup  
NF: That was the worst ending ever.  
Mizzies: We told you it was crap.  
NF: Yeah. You were right. I'm gonna go back to stalking the UPS/FedEx man for my package.  
Mizzies: Sounds like a plan to me!


End file.
